bye

i miss it
i miss feeling alive
and being
and doing
and breathing without wondering
am i worth the space i take up
i miss rain after heat waves
and sunlight after snow
i miss flowers in spring
and the leaves in the fall
i miss the smell of grass
and the smell of rain
and the feeling that
everything is was and will be
okay
i miss the smell of you
in your car and mine
and the feeling of warm blankets
wrapped around me like your arms
and i miss
when the dark was calm
and didnt scream your name
because i was so scared to be without you
and was also too scared to be with you
and was scared of how
i didnt know
what i feared more
i miss your hair between my fingers
and then yours
intertwined with mine
and i miss
the stars in your eyes
and how they twinkled
for me
and how i was the only person
who could bring out
your smile
i miss
the way you said
my name
like it was special
like it was a secret
just me and you
or the way you said
love
like you could ever really feel it
or as if you could ever truly mean it
at least when talking to me
and the sound
oh the sound
made me weak in the knees
but now only
gives me
headaches
and it kind of hurts
and its kind of scary
how one person
can take it all away
with one word

did i ever mean as much to you
as i thought you did to me?